Avoidance, Excuses, and Backsliding

If you've noticed that I've been MIA for almost two weeks you probably figured that I've decided to just give up on this whole blog thing.

Well my dear (non-existent) readers, you would be incorrect! Here I am!

Over the last few weeks I've had a lot of issues with pain, at one point it was even excruciating enough to send me to the ER to make sure I didn't have a herniated disc or something equally awful (I didn't). But the main reason I haven't posted is because I was embarrassed. And I felt guilty. And slightly ashamed.

Because, during that time, I slacked off. A lot.

I didn't keep up with the dishes. I didn't keep up with the floors. Or the laundry. Or picking up toys. Or bathing the children regularly... and I just didn't want you to know.

To be fair, it's not like I was partying or anything, I really was in a lot of pain and spent most of each day laying flat on the floor, trying to move as little as possible. And building legos with the kids.

A LOT of Legos.

But still, I kept feeling like I should be doing things, especially since I had gotten into a bit of a routine when I started this blog. And I knew that I was using the pain as an excuse to do nothing. I let the dishes pile up and I didn't enforce our "pick up what you take out" rule with the kids.

Which made me feel so guilty.

Sure, I was having a rough time, and in a lot of pain, but did that really mean I couldn't do anything? Nothing at all? Seriously? I was ok enough to get a bowl of cereal, but not enough to put my cereal bowl in the dishwasher? I was ok enough to lay on the floor and help the kids build Legos, but not enough to make sure they put them away?

Excuses.

I could have done those things, a lot of people would have, but I didn't. Because I just didn't want to. I was in pain and grumpy, which makes me want to do absolutely nothing. So I did nothing, and the house fell apart.

Then M (who is on the night shift and sleeps during the day) spent two of his nights off doing as much as he could to catch us back up. Which, of course, made me feel worse. Because it looked so much better, and I had done absolutely nothing for days. Even though my back had started feeling a little better, I had still done nothing.

Who wants to write a post saying their husband spent his days off work cleaning up messes that weren't his? Messes that I should have at least attempted to take care of myself?

A few days ago I decided enough is enough. The whole reason I started this blog was to hold myself accountable, right? So I can't just not post because I backslide. If I ever do get readers, I don't want them to think I was able to fix this overnight. Because that is definitely not going to happen.

So that's what I've been up to. Pain, an ER visit, more pain, narcotics, and a whole lot of slacking off, making excuses, and feeling sorry for myself.

There is no happy ending to this post, because sometimes life just sucks and you make stupid decisions based on flimsy excuses - or don't make any decision at all, which sometimes I think is just as bad. What about you?

To Do - Day Six

Originally I was planning to start this post with "well, yesterday was a bust." Then I double checked the list I had made and was pretty shocked to see this:

• put dishes away
• keep kitchen table and counters cleared
• vacuum living room and kitchen
• clear off couches and chairs
• bring up firewood
• take out trash

I honestly didn't feel like I got very much done yesterday. Now I think it must be because I didn't spend the whole day running around completely frazzled about the one hundred million thousand things that "needed" to be done, which normally makes me so anxious and depressed that I never actually end up doing anything.

Instead I just kept up with the things that actually needed to be done.

And it was a nice day. The kids and I relaxed and spent time together, and we had a lot of fun. Most of the daily maintenance tasks were done quickly and easily, because I was still caught up from the day before. 

It definitely makes me think hard about all the things I feel like I should be doing. There just isn't enough time in the day to do every single thing on my Perfect Mom List,  and I'm starting to realize that most of those things really don't need to be on there in the first place. Maybe it would help if I actually wrote that list down...

Okay, okay, enough jibber-jabber! Here is today's list:

• put dishes away
• keep kitchen table and counters cleared
• vacuum living room and kitchen
• clear off couches and chairs

• bring up firewood
• re-pot plant
• sign M up for school

To Do - Day Five

Of course I can!

I woke up this morning and the counters were still clean and it was awesome. Oddly enough, last night's meal wasn't nearly as complicated as tacos, but it was harder to keep the counters clean. Maybe because I wasn't constantly using a new dish and constantly reminding myself to wash them immediately?

Either way, it was still clean(ish) this morning, and that's what matters!

As far as my list goes, I didn't do a single thing on the second half. Once regular maintenance tasks were taken care of (dishes, messes, food, etc) I was at the point where I had to choose between playing with the kids who were incessantly demanding attention or work on the list. Occasionally I can convince C to help me with my list but yesterday he was having none of it and just wanted us to play legos. 

To be honest, I decided when C was born that the kids will only be this young for a little while. Once they start school they won't be home for much of the day, and even when they are home they may not want to spend time with their momma anymore.

So as long as they want to play with me, I pick them over household chores any day of the week. 

I do need to remember that (most of the time) the day-to-day maintenance still needs to take precedence over playing with the kids. It has taken me a long time to realize that a few minutes of clean-up throughout the day is much better than letting it go completely until I have to waste hours catching up. 

That's why I'm adjusting my list even more today. I am going to try and take off all the "unnecessary" tasks and only list my day-to-day maintenance. Yes, I know, that's what I said I was going to do at the beginning of the week. The thing is, I actually thought I had done that! Remember how long my first list was? And my second was half the size of that one! 

But it's still too much. 

At least for now, I really do need to focus on the day-to-day stuff until it becomes habit. So here is today's list of every day tasks:

• put dishes away
• keep kitchen table and counters cleared
• vacuum living room and kitchen
• clear off couches and chairs
• bring up firewood
• take out trash

And these are things that I really really really need to do today, even if I have to do them after the kids go to bed (which is my only "free time" of the day)!

• laundry (wash, fold, put away!!!)
• sign M up for class
• re-pot the plant

Wish me luck!

To Do - Day Four

Yesterday was awesome!

Though I didn't get to a few of the things on my list, I DID keep the kitchen counters cleared, even after making TACOS! I fry up my own taco shells, so not only is this meal messy business, but this time I also made biscuits and steamed cinnamon apples for dessert. That's a whole lot of dishes, pots, and pans to clean up, but when M saw the kitchen after we were done with dinner, the dishwasher was FULL and the only things on the counter were the cooling biscuits the steaming apples!

Check it out! This is less than five minutes after dishing up the taco meat! Yay me!

This is a huge, gigantic deal, people. I am through the roof excited!

Normally when I cook, I start by running a sink of soapy water. Then each time I'm done using a dish or pan, I will toss it in the sink to soak. And when the meal is over, the kids and I leave our dishes on the table and go play in the living room for a little while until it's time for them to go to bed.

Okay, occasionally I will have C take his plate and cup to the counter but that's about it.

I usually just leave the whole mess sitting until after the kids are in bed, and by the time I come back downstairs I'm completely wiped. The thought of cleaning or doing dishes at that point is just exhausting, so most of the time I just don't do it. I think "I'm much more productive in the morning, so I'll do it tomorrow."

But then I wake up the next morning and think about the mess covering the counter and the sink full of dirty dishes soaking in COLD water and I decide to stay in bed and play on my phone for "just a few more minutes..."

Which ends up turning into however long it takes for the first kiddo to wake up.

Then we come downstairs and the mess is still there. My hope that a magic cleaning fairy would take care of it during the night has proven to be in vain once again. And I start the day off with dread, because I really hate to wash dishes, but apparently they aren't going to wash themselves.

So knowing that most of the cleanup and dishes were already done before I even sat down at the table last night was an absolutely amazing feeling. Kind of like happiness, mixed with hope, mixed with pure relief.

I want that feeling again.

We will see how today goes. When I told M this morning that I'm not sure if I'll be able to do the magic dinner cleanup again, he calmly replied "of course you can."

Right.

Of course I can. Right?

Ah well, here's the list for today!

• put dishes away
• vacuum living room and kitchen
• keep kitchen table and counters cleared (!!!)
• fold and put laundry away

• re-pot the poor plant! 
• sign M up for class
• clear off sewing table
• work on grocery price list

Of course I can... of course I can... of course I can...