Clutter (aka "junk") Rehab

Clutter has taken over my home. Actually, "clutter" sounds like I'm trying to be modest about a few piles scattered here and there around our house. Which is definitely not the case here.So let me rephrase.

JUNK has taken over my home. Seriously. Random things everywhere I look, all the time. So much that after a while I just stop seeing it, because my brain can't acknowledge all that stuff. Don't get me wrong, it's not bad enough that you will be seeing me on an episode of Hoarders, but I definitely won't be inviting people over anytime soon, either.



Or maybe I should. Every once in a while I get fed up and host some kind of dinner party or play date at my house. And then the day before I start freaking out and racing around trying to get everything done. That urgency seems to be the only thing that can force me to stick to it long enough to get the house presentable. But by the time I'm done the house looks so amazing! And I think "OK that wasn't too hard. And now that it's clean it'll be so easy to keep it clean!"

And I do.

For a few days. A few weeks tops.

Then one day I come downstairs and realize it has happened again. The house looks as if a bomb has gone off. Or fifty people have moved in, trashed the place, and left. Or it could be that most of the time no one bothers to clean up after themselves.

And by everyone I mostly mean me.

OK yeah, I admit it. As a super crafty, DIY loving, constantly inattentive and distracted stay-at-home mom, the majority of the stuff that is cluttering up our home is mine. It drives M completely bonkers. And I'm trying so hard to fix it, to get rid of the things I don't need or use.

Anyone have suggestions on how I find the time (and energy) to do that without parking the kiddos in front of the tv?

Decluttering Challenge: Day 1.

I know, I know, it's been a while since I've posted. Months, in fact.

I started this blog with such high hopes... then life got in the way and everything just went bad for a while. But I'm back now. I'm trying again! And this time I'm not doing it on my own!

One of my favorite bloggers at Living Well, Spending Less is doing an October Challenge called "31 Days to a Clutter Free Life" and I'm SO excited to get started! Okay, so I forgot I had even signed up for it until I received the first email assignment and am actually a few days behind... but better late than never, right?

Honestly, though, the biggest motivator for me to complete each day's assignment is my super awesome mom. She knows how much I've been struggling so she's agreed to help be my motivation, sounding board, and coach. Unfortunately she doesn't live nearby, but for the rest of the month we will be checking in by phone or email each morning and evening so we both know what's going on.

Now, when I've been working and cleaning for hours and hours (or, you know, like 10  or 15 minutes) and am ready to quit, I will remember that someone actually EXPECTS the assignments to be completed by the end of the day. She will have seen the "before" pictures, she will have seen my very specific list of items to focus on, and she will EXPECT to see the completed "after" pictures.

And I will keep going.

Apparently (for me, anyway) the fear of disappointing someone is the biggest motivation out there.

So here I go. Wish me luck!

How to Keep Houseplants ALIVE

It's been over a month since my last post. If you've been following along, you know I've really been struggling with getting my house clean. I'm still having a lot of trouble, but I'm really trying to work on it and hopefully I will have some positive posts about it soon. Hopefully.

Anyway, I don't want this blog to be all about my struggles with cleaning so I figured this would be an excellent time to begin branching out. Today we are going to talk about keeping houseplants alive...

I do not have a green thumb.

Far from it, actually. I can't even count how many plants we've gotten over the years that we have eventually given away or just tossed. They always die! I don't know anything about soil, or fertilizer, or what kind of light plants need, and I ALWAYS forget to water. Or I'm so obsessive about watering that I do it way too often and basically drown the poor thing.

According to its tag, this plant was a succulent, which I believe is in the cactus family. That's right, I killed a cactus. It was supposed to be easy to take care of and great for beginners... I still have no clue why it died.

But I figured out the secret for houseplants (at least for me, anyway). I am so excited to finally be able to keep them alive! What is my secret, you ask?

I bought a houseplant.

No, don't roll your eyes. This isn't about how I did my research and now I'm a houseplant genius. Quite the opposite, really. Over the winter I happened to stumble across a group of HUGE house plants that were so root bound they were being sold for almost 85% off. I had plenty of empty planters in my garage (from all the other plants I'd let die over the years) so I decided to give houseplants another chance.

After putting them all in new pots and giving them a nice drink, I was happy to see that they looked perkier than when I had bought them. One in particular seemed to liven up. I figured it was just my imagination, but later in the week it started to look sad again. The huge leaves seemed to droop ever so slightly. I shrugged and went ahead and watered it, and all the others, and went about my day. And then later in the week it started drooping again.

By this point I was no longer sure I had an overactive imagination, so I looked the plant up online (see how bad I am with houseplants? I had this plant for almost a month before I even bothered to find out anything about it). I was pretty surprised when I read that the leaves on this plant really do start to droop when it is starting to get thirsty! 

I ended up putting the plant in my entryway so I have to walk past it every day. And anytime I notice it starting to droop, I fill up my water pitcher and give it a nice drink... then I go around the house and water all the rest. I know, I know, they don't all need the same amount of water, and I still need to learn about proper lighting and soil and fertilizer blah blah blah, but for me this is pretty much a miracle. I've had these plants almost four months now, and they are all still alive!

I can't be the only one with houseplant problems and I knew I had to do a post about this, so I went a few extra days without watering so I could take a pic for the blog. 

Doesn't it look so sad? I took the photo at 8:30am (on a cloudy day, sorry for the bad lighting) right before I gave it a nice long drink of water. Then I took pics again the next day, exactly 24 hours later...

Isn't that crazy?!? Even though I knew it would happen, the vast difference in the "Before" and "After" photos still surprise me.

The plant is called a "Peace Lily" and you can buy them anywhere. These aren't plants that are only sold at fancy schmancy garden stores, you can find them at any regular grocery store. And they are amazing. I love this plant. I can't wait till it's time to repot it, because then I can divide it and have more all over my house!

Hopeless and Alone

The last few weeks have been a struggle for me.

Every day seems to be nothing but avoidance, excuses, and a whole lot of backsliding. It is SO frustrating, because I was doing so well for months, and I don't know what has changed in my life to cause the change in my mindset.

I really wanted this to be a positive and uplifting blog, full of inspiration and ideas and encouragement, but how can I make a blog like that when I'm constantly feeling like I'm just not good enough and I'm just not doing enough? When I'm constantly overwhelmed and always feel like its all just too much?

I know, I know. Baby steps, right? One day at a time, one thing at a time, just keep up, don't worry about getting ahead... but it feels like "just keeping up" doesn't show any actual progress.

Everything just stays the same.

It doesn't help that with a hubby on the night shift, two constantly sick kiddos, and an average outdoor temp of 30 degrees, I am basically confined to the house. So even though I tell myself every day to "just keep up" and not worry about anything else, I still SEE everything else.

Constantly.

Every single day.

And I see it all not getting done. I don't see it ever getting done.

Gradually, little by little, day by day, it wears on me. And I start to lose hope again. I get more and more frustrated, more and more overwhelmed, more and more lonely, more and more depressed. Because nothing is happening. My house is on hold, my days are on hold, my life is on hold. Always. Something needs to change, but I don't know what. I don't know how.

I feel lost. I feel helpless. I feel alone.

                                    

I don't WANT to

When I started this blog a few months ago, I fully intended to conquer this house and all of my messiness issues. To start at the beginning and work my way through. But I can't seem to get over that initial hump. 

The one where I know what I should do. I know how much the boring day-to-day stuff will help, I know that putting things off will only make it harder when I finally get around to it, I know that it's all about baby steps, but I still never do it. 

Logically, I know that the time when my son is in preschool for three hours and the baby is down for her nap would be an ideal time to get caught up. To do the non-negotiables that I was supposed to do last night (or last week). But when I finally do get those few hours of time without someone demanding my constant attention, all I want to do is nothing. 

I want to sit and watch a tv show, or read a book, or color (yes, I still love to color), or something equally easy on my brain. I don't want to clean!

It is baffling to me how people are able to get past this. M says that when he sees something that needs to be done, he just does it. Because it needs to be done. 

Except it doesn't. 

He sees a counter full of dishes and immediately commences to washing them, because they need to be done.

I see a counter full of dishes and walk right past them, because there is still one bowl left in the cabinet for my cereal. So obviously, those dishes don't need to be done right now.

Wait. 

Okay, I just noticed something. 

When I wrote what I would do, I specified that dishes don't need to be done right now. But I didn't do that when I wrote about what M would do. So maybe that is the difference? M thinks "well yes, they don't need to be done right now, but they DO need to be done eventually... might as well do them now before it gets any worse." Hmm... I will have to follow up with him to confirm.

Either way, that still brings me back to one of my main problems, and my biggest "excuse" when it comes to things like housework. I just don't want to do it.

So I don't. 

And I am starting to realize that is kind of important in this process. 

I do want it to be done, I do want it to be better, I do want to be less stressed and less distracted, I just don't actually want to spend the small amounts of free time I have actually doing it. I glance at a counter full of dishes, or a table full of clutter, or a pile of clean laundry and think "eh. Not interested." Then I promptly forget about it and move on to something that IS interesting.

How do I make myself want to do it? How do I see something that I don't want to do, that I know doesn't actually need to be done right now this second, and make myself do it anyway?

Avoidance, Excuses, and Backsliding

If you've noticed that I've been MIA for almost two weeks you probably figured that I've decided to just give up on this whole blog thing.

Well my dear (non-existent) readers, you would be incorrect! Here I am!

Over the last few weeks I've had a lot of issues with pain, at one point it was even excruciating enough to send me to the ER to make sure I didn't have a herniated disc or something equally awful (I didn't). But the main reason I haven't posted is because I was embarrassed. And I felt guilty. And slightly ashamed.

Because, during that time, I slacked off. A lot.

I didn't keep up with the dishes. I didn't keep up with the floors. Or the laundry. Or picking up toys. Or bathing the children regularly... and I just didn't want you to know.

To be fair, it's not like I was partying or anything, I really was in a lot of pain and spent most of each day laying flat on the floor, trying to move as little as possible. And building legos with the kids.

A LOT of Legos.

But still, I kept feeling like I should be doing things, especially since I had gotten into a bit of a routine when I started this blog. And I knew that I was using the pain as an excuse to do nothing. I let the dishes pile up and I didn't enforce our "pick up what you take out" rule with the kids.

Which made me feel so guilty.

Sure, I was having a rough time, and in a lot of pain, but did that really mean I couldn't do anything? Nothing at all? Seriously? I was ok enough to get a bowl of cereal, but not enough to put my cereal bowl in the dishwasher? I was ok enough to lay on the floor and help the kids build Legos, but not enough to make sure they put them away?

Excuses.

I could have done those things, a lot of people would have, but I didn't. Because I just didn't want to. I was in pain and grumpy, which makes me want to do absolutely nothing. So I did nothing, and the house fell apart.

Then M (who is on the night shift and sleeps during the day) spent two of his nights off doing as much as he could to catch us back up. Which, of course, made me feel worse. Because it looked so much better, and I had done absolutely nothing for days. Even though my back had started feeling a little better, I had still done nothing.

Who wants to write a post saying their husband spent his days off work cleaning up messes that weren't his? Messes that I should have at least attempted to take care of myself?

A few days ago I decided enough is enough. The whole reason I started this blog was to hold myself accountable, right? So I can't just not post because I backslide. If I ever do get readers, I don't want them to think I was able to fix this overnight. Because that is definitely not going to happen.

So that's what I've been up to. Pain, an ER visit, more pain, narcotics, and a whole lot of slacking off, making excuses, and feeling sorry for myself.

There is no happy ending to this post, because sometimes life just sucks and you make stupid decisions based on flimsy excuses - or don't make any decision at all, which sometimes I think is just as bad. What about you?

Motivation Tips for the Domestically Challenged…

Don't put off a two-minute task now that will turn into a twenty minute task later

As soon as you wake up in the morning, force yourself to SMILE and say - out loud – “today is going to be a good day!” It may feel weird, but it will give a positive start to the whole day. Try it!

Perfection is overrated. 

It's okay to fail!

Failure is the opportunity to begin again. Only this time more wisely - Henry ford

Instead of focusing on how far you have left to go, look at how far you've come and how much you've accomplished

To Do - Day Six

Originally I was planning to start this post with "well, yesterday was a bust." Then I double checked the list I had made and was pretty shocked to see this:

• put dishes away
• keep kitchen table and counters cleared
• vacuum living room and kitchen
• clear off couches and chairs
• bring up firewood
• take out trash

I honestly didn't feel like I got very much done yesterday. Now I think it must be because I didn't spend the whole day running around completely frazzled about the one hundred million thousand things that "needed" to be done, which normally makes me so anxious and depressed that I never actually end up doing anything.

Instead I just kept up with the things that actually needed to be done.

And it was a nice day. The kids and I relaxed and spent time together, and we had a lot of fun. Most of the daily maintenance tasks were done quickly and easily, because I was still caught up from the day before. 

It definitely makes me think hard about all the things I feel like I should be doing. There just isn't enough time in the day to do every single thing on my Perfect Mom List,  and I'm starting to realize that most of those things really don't need to be on there in the first place. Maybe it would help if I actually wrote that list down...

Okay, okay, enough jibber-jabber! Here is today's list:

• put dishes away
• keep kitchen table and counters cleared
• vacuum living room and kitchen
• clear off couches and chairs

• bring up firewood
• re-pot plant
• sign M up for school

To Do - Day Five

Of course I can!

I woke up this morning and the counters were still clean and it was awesome. Oddly enough, last night's meal wasn't nearly as complicated as tacos, but it was harder to keep the counters clean. Maybe because I wasn't constantly using a new dish and constantly reminding myself to wash them immediately?

Either way, it was still clean(ish) this morning, and that's what matters!

As far as my list goes, I didn't do a single thing on the second half. Once regular maintenance tasks were taken care of (dishes, messes, food, etc) I was at the point where I had to choose between playing with the kids who were incessantly demanding attention or work on the list. Occasionally I can convince C to help me with my list but yesterday he was having none of it and just wanted us to play legos. 

To be honest, I decided when C was born that the kids will only be this young for a little while. Once they start school they won't be home for much of the day, and even when they are home they may not want to spend time with their momma anymore.

So as long as they want to play with me, I pick them over household chores any day of the week. 

I do need to remember that (most of the time) the day-to-day maintenance still needs to take precedence over playing with the kids. It has taken me a long time to realize that a few minutes of clean-up throughout the day is much better than letting it go completely until I have to waste hours catching up. 

That's why I'm adjusting my list even more today. I am going to try and take off all the "unnecessary" tasks and only list my day-to-day maintenance. Yes, I know, that's what I said I was going to do at the beginning of the week. The thing is, I actually thought I had done that! Remember how long my first list was? And my second was half the size of that one! 

But it's still too much. 

At least for now, I really do need to focus on the day-to-day stuff until it becomes habit. So here is today's list of every day tasks:

• put dishes away
• keep kitchen table and counters cleared
• vacuum living room and kitchen
• clear off couches and chairs
• bring up firewood
• take out trash

And these are things that I really really really need to do today, even if I have to do them after the kids go to bed (which is my only "free time" of the day)!

• laundry (wash, fold, put away!!!)
• sign M up for class
• re-pot the plant

Wish me luck!

To Do - Day Four

Yesterday was awesome!

Though I didn't get to a few of the things on my list, I DID keep the kitchen counters cleared, even after making TACOS! I fry up my own taco shells, so not only is this meal messy business, but this time I also made biscuits and steamed cinnamon apples for dessert. That's a whole lot of dishes, pots, and pans to clean up, but when M saw the kitchen after we were done with dinner, the dishwasher was FULL and the only things on the counter were the cooling biscuits the steaming apples!

Check it out! This is less than five minutes after dishing up the taco meat! Yay me!

This is a huge, gigantic deal, people. I am through the roof excited!

Normally when I cook, I start by running a sink of soapy water. Then each time I'm done using a dish or pan, I will toss it in the sink to soak. And when the meal is over, the kids and I leave our dishes on the table and go play in the living room for a little while until it's time for them to go to bed.

Okay, occasionally I will have C take his plate and cup to the counter but that's about it.

I usually just leave the whole mess sitting until after the kids are in bed, and by the time I come back downstairs I'm completely wiped. The thought of cleaning or doing dishes at that point is just exhausting, so most of the time I just don't do it. I think "I'm much more productive in the morning, so I'll do it tomorrow."

But then I wake up the next morning and think about the mess covering the counter and the sink full of dirty dishes soaking in COLD water and I decide to stay in bed and play on my phone for "just a few more minutes..."

Which ends up turning into however long it takes for the first kiddo to wake up.

Then we come downstairs and the mess is still there. My hope that a magic cleaning fairy would take care of it during the night has proven to be in vain once again. And I start the day off with dread, because I really hate to wash dishes, but apparently they aren't going to wash themselves.

So knowing that most of the cleanup and dishes were already done before I even sat down at the table last night was an absolutely amazing feeling. Kind of like happiness, mixed with hope, mixed with pure relief.

I want that feeling again.

We will see how today goes. When I told M this morning that I'm not sure if I'll be able to do the magic dinner cleanup again, he calmly replied "of course you can."

Right.

Of course I can. Right?

Ah well, here's the list for today!

• put dishes away
• vacuum living room and kitchen
• keep kitchen table and counters cleared (!!!)
• fold and put laundry away

• re-pot the poor plant! 
• sign M up for class
• clear off sewing table
• work on grocery price list

Of course I can... of course I can... of course I can...

To Do - Day Three

Okay, Day 2 went much better than Day 1. I was able to keep up with meal, snack, and toy cleanup all day which is actually HUGE for me. By the end of the day I was completely wiped, though, so just the thought of tackling the dinner clean-up was exhausting. 

Fortunately M and I had gone over my daily routine together on Day 1 and he knew the last thing on there was "catch up with any missed tasks." Being the awesome hubby he is, he offered to help by washing the dinner dishes if I would clear the table and finish the clean up. And since actually washing the dishes is one of my least favorite tasks (second only to cleaning toilets) I agreed. 

Okay, first I whined a lot and made gag me faces and complained about how much I didn't want to do it and it wasn't a big deal and it was too late and I was tired... he just shrugged and reminded me that it was on my list because it needed to be done. 

Then he went in the kitchen and got started without me. 

Well that made me feel super guilty since none of it was even his mess, so I reluctantly went in to help. And it only took about 15 minutes, mostly because we kept stopping to chat since we hadn't seen each other all day. And it really wasn't a big deal. 

See? I can do this. I can DO this!!!

So here's my list for today:

• put dishes away
• take out trash
• vacuum living room and kitchen
• clean wax off oven

• keep kitchen table and counters cleared
• do a load of laundry (start to finish!!!)
• bring up 2 loads firewood
• re-pot the poor plant

Again, if I'm able to do all that, it will be a great day. If I have EXTRA time (hahaha) then I will:

• check school email
• clear off sewing table
• add elastic to C's jeans
• work on Daily Task List
• work on grocery price list

Wish me luck!

To Do - Day Two

Well. Yesterday didn't go quite as expected. I'm sure you have noticed that there was no evening follow up detailing what I was able to get done from my To Do list. That's because I barely got any of it done.

I got slammed with a migraine around 8am that completely put me out of commission for hours. Which really sucked because first thing in the morning is always my most productive time of day, so I didn't get nearly as much done as I planned. Of course I realize I could have done more later in the day, or even after the kids went to bed, but I know myself well enough to realize how very unlikely that is to happen.

While that is the REASON I didn't get much done, I don't mean for it to be an excuse. Instead I am using it as confirmation that what M and my sister keep telling me is true:  I put way too many things on my To Do lists.

Yes, I know my list is long and that I should cut it in half (at least), but I look at it and think "that's totally doable." I always forget to account for the fact that I have two kids who fill a huge chunk of my time, and that most of the leftover time is spent picking up after us. Well, that's the way it should be spent any way.

Unfortunately I have a really hard time with the day-to-day maintenance. I will often put off the little things (like putting my plate in the dishwasher) so I can work on big things that are more interesting (like finally cleaning out the garage), and then the next time I look the little things aren't so little any more.

Last night I sat down with M and asked his advice. I guess he has thought about this a lot and was just waiting for me to ask his thoughts. So this is what he said (and I'm paraphrasing here because he had a LOT to say on the subject):

"When you try to move ahead in one area, you have a tendency to backslide in everything else. Your goal should be to focus on staying caught up every day - dishes, toys, clothes, etc. - until it has become habit, then move ahead in other areas a little at a time."

He also said that I actually did a lot more yesterday than what I normally do, it just didn't seem that way to me because my list was so long. Basically the kids and I spent the day cleaning up most of our messes as we made them. This included:  when they dumped all their legos and the entire train set all over the living room floor, when they thought it'd be super fun to use the ash bucket as a sand box in the entryway (don't worry, the ashes were cold), and when they decided that while I was occupied cleaning up the ashes it would be great time to dump a bag of potting soil out onto the kitchen floor and roll in it. Good thing I was already planning to vacuum...

So today I will try again. Only this time my list will include the day-to-day tasks that I have such a hard time with!

• put dishes away
• put chicken in crockpot
• vacuum living room and kitchen
• keep kitchen table cleared

• clear kitchen counters
• bring up 2 loads of firewood
• move dog's water to basement (so the baby will stop playing in it...)
• start dishwasher (before bed)

If I am able to get everything on that list done, I will count it as a successful day! If I get them done early enough, here is my list of "extras" to work on:

• clean  wax off oven
• re-pot plant (the poor thing is sooo rootbound and I've been putting it off for weeks!)
• work on grocery price list
• find clothes for K's naked baby doll

To Do - Day One

Today is a snow day. This means I don't get that time when C is normally in school to relax and work on my list. It means I have to do things that he can help me with, or find something to keep him occupied. With that in mind, here is my To Do list for today:

• start dishwasher 
• put chicken in the crock pot
• clear off the couches and chairs
• match socks

• clean off the kitchen table
• vacuum the living room and kitchen
• make two phone calls 
• unload dishwasher

• find somewhere store the empty fish tank
• clean the wax off the oven
• clean off the kitchen counters
• sew elastic into C's pants

• bring up 2 loads of firewood 
• dye M's jacket 
• clear off the coffee table
• gather all the seed packages for the garden

As you can see, I have split my tasks into groups of four. This is because I told C that every time we complete a group, we can play Mario Kart for 20 minutes. Since we don't watch much tv or play many video games, and until last week C didn't even know we HAD a wii, this is actually a HUGE deal for him. He is super excited to get started.

Yup. I'm bribing my kid to help me clean. But at least he will be learning that work comes before play. And he will be learning teamwork. And even playing Mario Kart will help him with his motor skills. 

(Get it? Motor skills? Heeheehee... come on, that's funny, right?)

Getting Started

I've started three or four posts in the last week, but haven't actually finished any of them. Not a single post has been published in that time.

Not one.

I find it amazing that my tendency towards distraction and unfinished projects carries over into Blogland. I think it's partly because I wasn't sure where to start, what my initial posts should be about. It was also because I had a really rough week and haven't really done much of anything... so the house completely fell apart. But mostly it was because actually committing to this blog, to posting regularly, means I also have to commit to getting my house and my life in order.

Which means work. Lots and lots of hard work (when I say "hard work" I mostly mean forcing myself to get up off the couch and actually doing something productive).

The honest truth is that most of the time I just feel like being LAZY. I am a stay-at-home mom with only two kids, but they are both under four and they completely exhaust me. So during those rare times when they are otherwise occupied, cleaning and picking up the house are the absolute last things I want to do. I just want to sit.

But I can't keep sitting. I can sit when they both start school. Right now I have to get this house done because I am at my wits end. I know that I'm passing my bad habits on to the kids and I do NOT want them to struggle with this the way I do.

So I'm getting started.

I'm committing.

For the next few weeks I will focus on the day-to-day tasks that I am so very terrible at (putting dishes away, keeping counters cleared, drinking more water, picking up after myself and getting the kids to do the same, etc). Here is my pledge to you, my loyal (and as yet nonexistent) readers:

I will set aside twenty minutes every morning to list the major things I need to get done that day, and twenty minutes every evening to note my progress. This will help keep me on track and (hopefully) minimize unfinished projects. I will also publish AT LEAST one substantial post a week, because the last thing I want is for this blog to be cluttered with nothing but a million To Do lists.

Seriously, I have enough of those cluttering up my house.

Being a Grown-Up Sucks

Sometimes I hate being a Grown-Up.

Sure it has its perks, like I’m in charge of my life, which is awesome. But at the same time, I’M IN CHARGE OF MY LIFE. Not only that, but I’m also in charge of the lives of C, K, and M (to a lesser extent, since he is also a Grown-Up). Not a huge family by any means, but still. Everything I say or do influences them all in some way. One mistake and I can royally screw everything up.

No pressure or anything.

Seriously. Being a Grown-Up Sucks.

Time for Change

Honestly I don’t know how to start this blog. Okay that’s not entirely accurate, I know HOW to start, I’m just having a hard time working up the motivation and courage to just jump in. I’m so afraid I will fail yet again, and that fear is paralyzing.

Maybe I should start easy, by introducing myself.

Hi, I’m AJ. I am FINALLY working on the first post of a blog that I’ve been planning and setting up for months. Mostly because I couldn’t decide on the “perfect” name (that wasn’t already taken) and also because I felt like I never had time to sit down and work on the “perfect” first post. Because it’s my first post, it needs to be exactly right, right?

At heart, I’m a perfectionist.

I want to be able to do EVERYTHING, and I want to do it all PERFECTLY. I continuously feel that because I want something to happen, I should be able to make it happen. I should be able to make home-cooked meals every day using only fresh ingredients, have a magazine worthy home 24/7, mix up my own lotions and bath salts and body scrubs, sew all our own clothes and blankets, churn out new wall art like a machine, build my own furniture, and have perfect children who always listen and do exactly what I say. My pinterest boards are chock full of all the things I feel like I should be doing, just because I’m capable of doing them.

The problem is that no matter how much I feel like I should and how much I want to, I can’t do them all. Because I’m constantly overwhelmed by my huge list of things I should be able to do, but I have children who demand constant attention and there are only 24 hours in a day and I really should use some of that time to get some sleep. I’m only human.

So most of the time I don’t even start.

Or I DO start, but I start all of it. All at once. And then it becomes too much and I give up, or I think of something else that I need to do and suddenly I’ve moved on and already forgotten what I was already in the middle of. And it’s not finished. It’s still waiting. And eventually I remember and think “I should get back to that” but by then I’ve already moved on to four more things and I never seem to have the time.

I’m a mess. My home is a mess. My brain is a mess. My relationship is a mess.

So I finally begin this blog to help me keep track of what I’m doing, and what I actually need to be doing, rather than what I feel like I should be doing. Maybe down the road I will get some readers and they will help, too. And maybe farther down the road there will be someone out there who is where I am now and I will be able to say “I’ve been there, and it gets better.”

Here are my goals for this blog:

• To be completely open and honest. Because that’s the only way this will work. I can't hide my many messes pretending to be perfect and then expect people to be excited that I finally cleared off the kitchen counters. 
• To spend less than 1 hour a day on posts, preferably when the kids are sleeping, and preferably when my daily To Do’s have been completed. Originally I was going to put 15 minutes, but I’ve already been working on this one for 30, so I guess 1 hour is more realistic.
• To learn how to effectively manage and prioritize my time, energy and resources. Because I can’t do it all, and some things are more important than others.
• Not to worry about how many posts I do per week, or how my blog compares to someone else’s blog, or whether I can use my blog to make money, or how many readers I have, or anything that takes away from my other goals.

Well, that’s it. That’s me in a nutshell. An absolute mess, and tired of it. I can’t keep trying to do everything, it’s just too much. I need to slow down and experience my life every day because it’s constantly changing. My kids are growing up and the world is moving on without me.

It’s 6am and I’m already exhausted from writing this post. And this is only Day One. But it’s okay. Because I can do this, I know I can. I just need to take it one step at a time, one day at a time. Today is Day One of the rest of my life.

And I plan to enjoy my life.